Yeah, it took me a week to talk about the Favre trade.  I’m sure you were all desperate for updates.  Anyway, i get it, he is a GOOD quarterback.  I don’t like him, and i will admit that.  But honestly morons (jets fans)… let’s do the math.  You KNOW you’re gunna end up giving up a second round pick for this guy, who is gunna give you TWO years tops.  And even if he plays abnormally well those two years… it is not enough of an upgrade to make you a top 4 team.  In other words, even with Brett Favre, they won’t be able to beat the Patriots, Chargers, Colts or Jaguars in the playoffs.  In fact, i could see the dolphins beating you… because your defense is an Effing mess…

Yeah i said it.  The Jets are in the middle of a rebuilding process, and Jets managers/fat white guys basically decided that getting Brett Fav-ra was a good BUSINESS decision, to sell jerseys to chumps and chumpzulas.  Losing a second round pick in a rebuilding phase, is a disaster.  This will set the Jets back four MORE years… so after this and trading the one decent player to the Saints (vilma) they will basically end up the JOKE of the AFC east for all eternity.

And Bloomberg is a tool… giving favre a metrocard?  Great… in the middle of a Budget crisis!?  Thousand bucks he made the city pay for it.  I don’t want Favre around New York… and f*cking tooling around Manhattan with his stupid weiner beard… Let’s see how he likes it when everyone watching him play is booing him non-stop, like we do in this great city.  I see that muthabitches on the 2/3 train, im gunna teach him a lesson or two about awkward subway moments too… we’re talking worse than that time the mid thirites asian woman rubbed up against my backpack and then said OHHH IT FEELS LIKE OLD TIMES, then ran off at the 72nd st stop at a full sprint.

For those of you who didn’t know (everyone) pre-season football kicked off tonite with the annual Hall of Fame (Gouge your eyes out from boredom) Game!  Now i know what your thinking… “it must have been exciting to at least see SOME football, right COPTER!?”  You’re an idiot, and i want you dead.

The only person who seemed to hate themselves MORE than myself for watching this game was the people announcing the game.  Even when something impressive did happen, they sounded like that guy in Las Vegas who followed me around the penny slot machines telling me about the cream he has to apply to his foot…

Here’s some exciting things that happened:

Mike Hart (6th round out of Michigan, went to INDY) the running back averaged like, 10 yards a carry?!  He actually played well and ran with some decent power.  Of course, the Redskins 17th string defense apparently doesn’t know what a TACKLE is.  They apparently became confused once they discovered it is a verb AND a noun… Those bitches need to work on their word families!

That Fat Guy (Jared Lorenzen) who was on the Giants is now a COLT!!  From one Manning backup to another… I’d feel bad for making fun of him… but he got a superbowl ring.  Also, being a quaterback and weighing over 285 is embarrassingly hilarious.  Even i weigh less than that… and i just ate white castle at 11:30 while watching futurama and playing Diablo 2.

Also, Colt Brennan won the TONY ROMO award of the week.  This is an imaginary award i came up with.  Basically, when Jason Campbell (Redskins) QB comes out and $*@#’s the bed week 3, people will be all like… GET COLT BRENNAN IN THERE.  A La Tony Romo of several years ago… Now we just gotta find a girl for Colt Brennan… i’m thinking that chick from HAIRSPRAY.  You know, the chubby girl (yeah i said it… and screw you, when i said it you immediately knew who i was talking about!) who sings… also she just like, broke someones nose on a plane this past weekend or something.  Basically she’s the anti-jessica simpson, which may yield to wins in the near future.

As tempting as it seems… DO NOT WATCH PRESEASON FOOTBALL.  You don’t want to end up like me…

Of course i make a comment about how boring the NFL is… and we get the biggest news all offseason, TWO huge events in as many days.  Awesome.

Anyway Jeremiah Shockey is officially a New Orlean’s Saint.  This was a good move for the Giants for the obvious reasons… won without him… he’s a distraction, blah blah blah.

Of course what no one is mentioning is that with this move, this team has OFFICIALLY become Eli Manning’s team.  It used to be Strahan’s defense… and Shockey was the offensive guy that people looked to for inspiration.  I think that this is definitely a good move.  Eli needs to be thrown 100% into the drivers seat for this upcoming season.  He’s surrounded with players who now want to play FOR him, not just with him.  Young receivers like Mario Manningham Kevin Boss (the heir apparent to Shockey’s spot) and Steve Smith need to prove to Eli that they are on HIS team now.  Amani Toomer was never one to take a leadership role, just to do his job.. and Plaxico Burress, just like Eli, leads by example.  He’s never called out anyone on his team to the media, and will openly state to the media that he is HAPPY to be playing with Eli.

Take control Eli… we gave you your team…New York is behind you… now don’t screw it up.

The offseason makes me want to gouge my eyes out and juggle them… I was wandering in manhattan last nite, saw a guy with a Charles Woodson Raiders jersey… and it just made me think about how much i miss having football to watch/talk about.  So here’s the updates so you don’t have to check NFL.com, get bored and go commit murder suicides:

1. Brett Favre is a tool

2. Most first round picks still arent signed

3. Fantasy Football is for tools.

Also, last nite someone introduced me to a new hilarious term… while being out and seeing many men with many interestingly colored polo shirts and Great Gatsby-esque pants she said, “… I guess the softball game just ended.”   I thought it was aweosme.

God i can’t wait for pre-season football… UNNECESSARY INJURIES!!! YAY!!!

Look, I get it, everyone in Green Bay thinks Brett Favre is a hero.  But if you look at his recent career, even his most recent “success” in last season, he is no longer the player he used to be.  Thus, we end up in MAXIMUM AWKWARD predicament.

The Packers want Favre gone, luckily he decides to retire… next thing you know he pulls a Favre and is all like, “Nah dog’s i’m coming back.”  This is where the Packers were geniuses.  Instead of saying, well we don’t want you back, they basically left it for the players to say, “but hey, Rodgers is our QB now, you said you were leaving…”  Next thing you know, Favre basically flips his sh&t and is all like, well i can still play, so i want to play somewhere else, and asks for a RELEASE FROM THE PACKERS.

He’s like, one of 5 players you could NEVER imagine in another uniform, and now he’s basically asking to be on another team.  He could have played this right, made it seem like he was MAD they didn’t want him back… instead he’s an idiot.  Packers fans should be ashamed of him, and as a football fan, i’m kind of just sickened by the whole situation.  Everything you gave to the Packers, everything they gave to you… retire with what’s left of your class Mr. Favre… and don’t you dare show up on NFL network doing commentary… that would ruin my world.

On a more HILARIOUS note:  remember how no one knew what to do with Favres locker when he retired?  They ended up just removing it so there wouldn’t be some kind of nonsense memorial… well i guess he’s gunna need it back now?  LOL.

NFL.com says that the Baltimore Ravens are training REAL RAVENS to perform at the stadium.  I honestly read this, and became even MORE bored than I ever was before.

Wow.. great… Apparently some idiot in the Ravens organization saw the Seattle Seahawk’s had their own seahawk and we’re totally like…. yo let’s do that.  I don’t understand what the hell they are thinking.  This stadium with THOUSANDS of people is going to be okay with another losing season this year because they’ll be SCREAMING AND CHEERING for black birds flying around doing stuff?!  You can barely see the ball from most of the seats, and now they want them looking for birds?!

Of course this news has prompted the Houstan Texans to begin training REAL TEXANS to perform at their games, and the Redskins to begin rounding up Native Americans in an attempt to appease their fanbase.  The CHiefs are taking the easy way out, and sending people links to F-Troop on hulu…

British people apparently bought 15,000 tickets for the NFL game in London this year, in a half an hour… if your doing the math on that… you’re an idiot.  Thats the dumbest crap i’ve ever heard.  I’m FAIRLY certain that the average British person doesn’t really give a hoot about NFL football, they all love that soccer crap, which is really fun… if you’re playing Mario Super Strikers.

So why the massive amount of ticket sales you’re probably asking.  Here’s my theories.

Theory 1 - American Vacation!  Perhaps San Diego fans and New Orleans fans are all like… yo let’s go see our favorite team across the Atlantic… you know, pay a fortune for a plane ticket, to go partially around the world to pay ANOTHER fortune to get tickets.  Not to mention get sick from the abyssmal food, and hear a bunch of pretentious jerks tell you what they think America is doing wrong… then you can came home from you’re overpriced disastrous ”vacation” so you can listen to the local idiots in your town talk about how much better “Guiness” beer is over there… and ask you three dozen times if you’ve had it, then be jerks when you say you don’t like it.

Theory 2 - Enormous misunderstand - Football = Soccer = Lame.  They probably thought NFL Football meant some sort of OTHER soccer league, but more violent and without a home… like… the XFL.

Theory 3 - We’re the laughing stock of the world.  I honestly assume British people just want to see what 330 pound Americans look like, so they can gawk at us, from the safety of a stadium.  Apparently, they’re NOT morbidly obese over there… screw them.  Us being so fat is a sign of financial success… dwindling values and sheer apathy.  The largest person in the entire continent of Europe is like… 212 pounds, which is how much I used to weigh in 8th grade.  Except for Jabba the Hutt… who is rumored to be living somewhere in Portugal after being banished from Belgium due to a misunderstanding of the local waffle policy.

I LOVE Chris Snee.  In fact i think the entire Giants offensive line is probably the best working group in the league in terms of run blocking.  So when i heard Tom Coughlin’s son in law got an enormous deal that will give him $24 million dollars over the next 3 years or some nonsense like that… I was excited.

Beginning of last season, everyone talked about how the Giants had no offensive line (mostly due to the lack of Left Tackle) and their linebackers were bad.  Of course, after numerous outings of making even guys like Derrick Ward loook good… i think it’s safe to say that the Giants have proven they have a working system at offensive line… i guess those years of EVERYONE getting hurt and all the lineman having to learn several positions paid off…

So what’s up next for the Giants offseason?  I really think they have to figure out this Shockey mess.  There’s still rumors and he’s still all PMS like and stuff.  Trade his ass to the Vikings IMO, they think they’re a good team… get some draft picks and let Kevin Boss be the starter… his name is BOSS for god’s sake… that means he HAS to be good.  Greenzo OUT.

Everyone loves when their teams has a running back that the league fears.  You think about the Chargers, and how hard it’s gunna be to stop L.T. or you gameplan for Adrian Peterson on the Vikings, but the truth of the matter seems to be that these teams are not destined for success.

            Teams that win superbowls, win with a running back by committee system, and a franchise quarterback.  Whatever you think about Eli Manning, he IS a franchise quarterback, Rothlis-whatever, Peyton (duh) with Brad Johnson being the only recent exception.

            I’m reading these stupid football magazines about fantasy football, and there’s the big question of who’s going to get more fantasy points, LT or AP (which I think is an awful nickname for Adrian Peterson…).  What you have to realize is that both of these guys are running backs in the NFL.  There are slim odds that they will both play all sixteen games this season.  Not only that, if the team is smart in any way, they won’t allow these highly paid guys to get THAT many carries.  Last year the Chargers were SO close to beting the Patriots in the playoffs, it was upsetting to watch.  Seriously, that game they SHOULD HAVE WON.  Unfortunately, their double insurance policy (Tomlinson and Rivers) were both hurt.  LT is going to make the hall of fame… he knows this… he doesn’t’ care anymore about his stats.  Look to the chargers to cut back on his load significantly, so he will be fresh for the playoffs.  As for Peterson… they’re gunna run him into the ground, and he’ll be out for at least 3 weeks this year.  You dig?

Cedric Benson is just like me… jobless… except its more pathetic cause he’s a professional athlete.  LITERALLY, right now, he is playing as much football as I am.  Of course, im probably eating a lot more burgers than he is… so you know… I win.

Honestly, the entire Cedric Benson situation has gone under the radar though, and it kind of offends me.  I was a HUGE fan of Pacman Jones when he was on the Titans, and felt a one year suspension was overdoing it.  Of course, ironically, Cedric Benson commits worse crimes, and still no word from the league on any disciplinary action… Roger Goodell did a good job of setting an example of Pacman, Tank Johnson and Chris Henry… now stick to your guns.  Make this game (and especially its players) as great as we want it to be.